Actually, I have been mulling this around in my brain for a few years now.  And who am I kidding?  If there is anyone to change the face of musical theatre – it is Dan Travis.   NOT DUNCAN SHEIK!  I am very musical – I can write well – with drafts – not like my blog shit  (your lucky if I proof read this drivel)…and I am a theatre genius.  This is my new claim to fame.   But honestly – I have been so fed up with the theatre I have seen!  I want to change everything.  I hate JukeBox musicals. They are a cop-out!  But movies – the one thing that is selling right now – are good movies made into musicals.  You need an established name to make a buck/show. (Okay – not all the time – but just let it go…) 

Here is the list of movies that I am going to make into musical theatre.p.s. – if you steal these – or tell anyone about this – I will kill you.p.p.s. – I’ll explain why they are brilliant after the list… 

1.      Fargo

2.    Rosemary’s Baby

3.     Grizzly Man

4.    The Witches (Book)

5.     Robyn Byrd  

Fargo –

This will not be campy.  Broadway has a current trend of making shows of this manner campy.  This will be perfect – like the movie.  It is a comedic thriller – in the vain of Sweeney Todd – but much simpler.  Here is the pit – A musical Saw – Harp – Violin – Cello – Kettle drum – piano.  The set will be bare and white.  The backdrop will be a gigantic projection screen.  This will be for white-out snow effects and the car chase scene.  I would also like a giant Paul Bunyan statue next to the proscenium.  Also everytime someone dies the stage will turn bright red – like the whistle in Sweeney.  Another brilliant staging idea…I’m going to have Margie shoot into the audience after the wood chipper scene.  I think that would be scary  - to have the murderer run into the audience and then Margie shoots blanks at him.  Weee!  I would also like to incorporate the beautiful/haunting Fargo theme. I have talked to the Saw Lady in Time Square – she is interested.  Now I just need some time.  After all – if there was anyone the Cohen Brothers would give the rights to – it would be me.  I am a fellow Minnesotan. 

Rosemary’s Baby –

This will be a parlor musical.  A parlor musical with a very sixties feel.  Like Promises Promises, or Applause – with a Burt Bacharach nod.  I would like it eerie too.  I love the theme from Rosemary’s Baby – perhaps a gargoyle from The Dakota could sing this song.  The comic relief would be with the Castevets.  I love this duo – they are perfect.  I feel like this movie lends itself perfectly to a musical – the movie is too long however, but that can be fixed.  I would also like a lot of naked modern dance with the witches.  In Rosemary’s Devil Dreams – this can be very theatrical and fucked up – I’m so excited!  

Grizzly Man –

This will be campy!  Even though it is based on a man who “helped” bears and then one ate him.  It is a fabulous documentary – but I think it is one of the funniest things ever!  The man is crazy and there needs to be a musical about his time with the Grizzly bears.  There will be dancing bears.  Ribbon dancing.  A song with Allah, Jesus, and a Hindu Floaty thing.  A song about Wendy’s poop.  Cursing the National Park Service.  It will be one hell of a show!  ~ “I won’t listen to the tapes!”  p.s. -  I will star as Timothy Treadwell! 

The Witches –

Yes, the witches – I won’t base it off the movie.  The book is perfect – I will use the book.  Catherine Zeta Jones will be starring as the Grande High Witch!  That is really all I know so far.  I have no idea – what we would do with all the mice – we’ll think of something.  Matilda – might be a good musical too.  Actually – it would be a really good musical – add Matilda to my list.  Matilda’s parents and the Trunchbull -  perfect!

Robyn Byrd –

Robyn has/had a show on PAC.  She has mall bangs and gorgeous outfits and she plays porn from the 80’s.  How we will make it into a musical – I don’t know yet.  But New Yorkers would love it.

Here is a clip of the theme from Rosemary’s Baby (sorry it is a “lame picture” montage):

Here is the trailer from Fargo:

Here is a clip of the Grizzly Man (watch the whole clip):

I love Werner – he is the narrator!

At last – Broadway can relax.  We have finally found someone who has the chops to play Roxie Heart.  Drum roll please….Lisa Rinna.  A truly amazing triple threat who honed her skills during her stay at three separate soap operas.  Lisa and her husband, Harry Hamlin join the cast of Chicago today!  That’s right!  Get your tickets now!

p.s. – I’m picturing Lisa – on the set of Days of Our Lives – doing box steps while she learns her lines.  Waiting for the day when she could leave the soaps.  Leave the soaps and make it all the way.  All the way to Broadway.  Just like Cheryl Ladd!

Here is Lisa Rinna getting tickled while getting a pedicure – isn’t she sweet?

Hey!  Did anyone know about this?   There was a Boney M Musical – called Daddy Cool?  It was recently trying to go up in London.  Boney M is great.  I HATE that this musical closed.  It is a Jukebox musical.  But it is the right kind of Jukebox musical.  If you are going to rehash famous songs and loosely base a plot around them – this is the way to go.  Not like the shitdrivel that is Mamma Mia, All Shook Up, etc.  For those of you who are not familiar with Boney M - I am including a their hit song – Rasputin.  Notice how they say Ras-pu-teen because nothing rhymes with Rasputin.

I enjoyed the fact that there were no hosts – Hugh Jackman can finally busy himself in other arenas.  Maybe he will take up latch-hooking since he does not have to learn any new Broadway medleys.  Good for him – and the Tony viewers.  However - poor Angela Lansbury.  I love her.  I hate to see her deteriorating in front of our eyes.  She was such a rock in the theatre, and now the our rock is crumbling.  Angela we love you.

Now, on to the winners (or at least the ones I feel strongly about)

First off – let me just say that even though Legally Blonde was not any where near being close to “Best Musical” quality – but it should have definitely been nominated.  Because most of the other shows were equally crappy.  At least Legally Blonde had some good parts.  Or at the very least they should have had Laura Bell Bundy perform.  They had the motherfuckers from “Jersey Boys” perform.  Why not Elle Woods?  Huh!?  I did love that Laura Bell Bundy looked exactly like Anna Nicole Smith.  If she won – she should have gone up to the microphone and said (through her booze and pills) “Trimspa Baby! Whoo!”.  That would have been wonderful.  Anyhoo…

 The Winners:

Best Musical – Spring Awakening

I have not seen this show.  However…it is the new RENT.  Pretend it is 1995 – every theatre geek is a RENT-head.  This is what is going on right now.  I hate it.  In the beginning with all of the hoopla and publicity, I thought it must be a really good show.  Now, I have heard the music, seen a billion youtubes, etc.  Yes, all of this is not the same as seeing the actual production - but have now come to the conclusion that it is sooo not a good show.  It is like a choir concert at a high school with a big budget and talented high schoolers.  What the fuck is with the microphones?  I hate the blending of all of the styles – the choreography, the costumes, the period acting, the fucking LAME ASS (HENIOUS) director!  Boo!  I will see this show eventually – but not soon.  To quote Garth on the train with the cast of Spring Awakening:

Garth :  Hey there – are you guys in a show? (nice/pleasant)

Bitchy Fag Boi from Cast:  Yeah – Spring Awakening….?  (bitchy/faggy)

Garth : Well whoop-de-fuckin-doo!

Best Book of a Musical – Steven Sater

Ok – I was high when I watched the TONYs – but this guy was creepy.  I thought he was weeping, but after closer inspection I think he had some sort of palsy.  Ewww – palsy.   He also had a freaky forehead.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Oh – and he was sooo gay right?  What was with the wife and kids bit?  In my opinion Mary Poppins should have won for the Book.  Sure, the musical sucked and the thing was never funny….but that was not the fault of the script – that was shitty acting/direction.  Nevermind – I just checked and Mary Poppins was not even nominated.  I’m going to have to go with Legally Blonde.  Again, the same goes for this cast – good book with shitty acting and direction – minus Laura Bell Bundy and Anna Leigh Ashford.

Best Original Score – Duncan Sheik

Duncan Sheik – need I say more?  I hate it when people say that this is a good route for Broadway to go.  People are saying that this is the musical that changes our generation.  What?  What about Hedwig???  What about Mel Brooks?  Seriously – Duncan Sheik?

Best Theatrical Event – Jay Johnson?

 Who the hell is Jay Johnson?  Where was this event?  My apologizes to Kiki and Herb!

Best Revival of a Musical – Company

 No surprises here.  I do not like this trend of having actors play their own instruments.  It was fine with Sweeney.  But no more!   Please!  Unless it is CATS - I would like to see them do CATS.  They could use kazoos and slide-whistles!  Chorus Line might have held a chance if the actor/singers could act.  They would have also needed to cast a “Cassie”  that could at least be 1/3 of a triple threat.  She really can’t do anyting.

Leading Actress in a Play – Julie White!

 I loved her speech!  Best speech of the night!  She needs to play this part in the movie.  God she is great.

Best Actor in a Musical – David Hyde Pierce

Really?  For Curtains?  Hmmmm.   It is my belief that they gave him the TONY because he came out of the closet a few months ago.  Not like anyone was surprised – but the TONY’s are so GAY!  They love it.  Raul Esperaza and the fact that he sucks dick now, is old hat.  Everyone thought that is would go to Raul – but after seeing his ANGRY rendition of “Being Alive” – I am glad it did not go to him.  They should have given the award to David Hyde Pierce for his performance in Spamalot – but they probably figured he is not going to be the lead of another musical in a while.

Best Actress in a Musical – Christine Ebersole

Yeehaw!  I love her.  She so deserved this.   Her performance was flawless.  I am also very glad that she gave a shout-out to the Edies.  Yay!

Featured Actress in a Musical – Mary Louise Wilson

Hooray!  She was also wonderful in Grey Gardens.  She also had my second favorite speech of the night!  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Best Direction of a Musical – Michael Mayer

Heinous.  I hate this man.  Why was he qualified to direct this.  Although – he looked like such a dumb-fuck with his speech – this made it a little better.  Idiot never open with a lame inside joke.  What a schmuck.  The inside joke is this:  When he directs – if something is good…he says “okay”, if something is bad…he says “heinous”.  Isn’t that lame.  Doesnt that give you a clue of how lame this schmuck is?  Boooo!

Best Choreography – Bill T. Jones

Really?  Because I’m pretty sure everything I have seen from this show sucks – especially movement wise.  GRRRRRR!  Who were the nominees?  Let me look…..OH NO!  I just looked it up.  Based on the nominees – I would have to go with Jerry Mitchell.  I really don’t like him.  I can’t believe I just gave him the TONY.

Best Costume Design – William Ivey Long

Really – the costumes for Grey Gardens were good – but that was not his doing.  It was Little Edie’s.  She came up with the idea for her own Revolutionary Costume.  But William has designed every musical ever.  Doesn’t he always win?

“SHOWPEOPLE………. SHOWPEOPLE!” ~ Debra Monk – in the awful show - Curtains.

How great was Patti – shoved into this dress like a little sausge.  Loves It! :

How lame was this chorus line opening?  Marvin on the Marquis – lypsyching dancers, “Spring Awakening – to stage left please.” :

SHOWPEOPLE!

Ok – so I was ripping on Jerry Mitchell in my “Legally Blonde” post.  It turns out I was smack-dab on the button.   He loves giving line readings and showing everybody on stage exactly what to do.   I HATE DIRECTORS LIKE HIM!   BOOOO!      Honestly – as an actor – there is nothing you hate more.  The Legally Blonde cast members say that they don’t mind it – but you know they hate it and want him terminated!!   My favorite part of this video is when he pops up and says “IT’S ME!”

There are few people in this world who can out-gay me…Jerry Michelle is one of them:

~ Did anyone else notice the similarities between Jerry Mitchell and Corky St. Clair from “Waiting for Guffman”?

p.s. – the little dancer man is a young Bob Fosse!

“No one say anything frivolous for the next few moments.  I am having a significant experience.”  In my case: I should say, “had” a significant experience.  Last night I saw Christine Ebersole in Grey Gardens.  Brilliant.  She was brilliant.

            ~ Did you say anything frivolous??

 I will admit.  I feel like a bad gay man.  Up until a few weeks ago I had never seen the fantastic documentary “Grey Gardens”.  For those of you who have not seen this documentary – run…..go now – blockbuster!  Watch it.  It is amazing.  It will change your life, I swear to god.  Make sure you watch it with subtitles!!!!  It is long – but well worth it.  It captures an amazing symbiotic relationship – in its truest form…no holds barred.

A quick run-down of Grey Gardens from Wikipedia:

“Edith “Big Edie” Ewing Bouvier Beale and her daughter Edith “Little Edie” Bouvier Beale, were the aunt and first cousin of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. The two women lived together at Grey Gardens in squalor and almost total isolation.

 In 1972, their living conditions were exposed as the result of an article in the National Enquirer and a series of raids by the Suffolk County Health Department.

Grey Gardens was purchased in 1924 by Phelan and Edith Bouvier Beale,

aunt and uncle of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. The Beales occupied the house for over 50 years.

The house itself, a traditional shingled cottage of 14 rooms, was designed by Joseph Greenleaf Thorpe in 1897 and completed several years later. The grey color of the dunes, the hue of the cement garden walls, and the sea mist gave the garden its color and the house its name. Jackie Kennedy and her sister, Lee Radziwill, quietly provided funds to stabilize and repair the dilapidated house.”

The one qualm I have with the show is this:  When you watch the film – you really want to know the back-story….What happened to these women prior to the film?  The first half of the musical brings this to you.  The first act takes place in 1941 and shows Grey Gardens, and the family, in all its glory.  When you are watching this act – you can’t wait to see them transform the set into the gigantic cat-box the mansion becomes.  Lucky for everyone the first act is short.  Then the second act opens and you see Christine Ebersole become Little Edie before your very eyes.  She is superb.  Mary Louise Wilson is fantastic as Big Edie – but the show belongs to Ebersole.

The sets and costumes were amazing.  But I couldn’t help thinking to myself “with the gargantuan budgets of Broadway – there are set pieces zooming around the stage…constantly!”   I miss the days when it was avant-garde to not lower the curtain during set changes.  I miss stage hands (in black) – coming onstage and moving shit.  Oh well…maybe it is for the best – I dunno? 

The music by Frankel and Korie was just fine…some songs were amazing…some were mediocre.  Some could be cut.  But I will say this for them…they knew how to translate the documentary’s dialogue into song.  They did an extremely good job at translating the movie into the second act.  The first act is fine…but the second act is sublime.   Ugh – so good.  If I had to categorize the two acts: Act 1 – Gershwinesque…..Act 2 – Sondheimesque.

 To me – the most poignant moment in the film is with Little Eddie and the bird cage…it made me cry.  There is a brilliant part in “Around the World” were they incorporate the bird cage. I cried.   I cried a few times.  One line that really got me, was in the first act.  Big Edie’s father said to her – “You have become one of the most pathetic creatures on this earth…an actress without a stage.”  I silently cried to myself…it hit home a little.  Boohoo…I should start auditioning.

If you see the show:

 1.      Watch the documentary first…not essential – but you will appreciate everything sooo much more.

2.      Don’t take your eyes off of Ebersole.

3.      “Jerry just loves the way I do my corn.”

4.      John McMartin is in this show too – he was Oscar in the Sweet Charity movie.

5.      You should dress up in drapes, pantyhose, and scarves – be a revolutionary.

6.      Make sure you see this before it closes – I fear it will after Ebersole takes the show to London.

7.      I don’t know if my readers know this…but, I HATE PROJECTIONS.  However – they were used all the time in this production and I thought they were perfect.  Extremely well done!

8.      Songs to listen to/for: The Revolutionary Costume for Today, Jerry Likes My Corn, Around the World (my favorite), Another Winter in a Summer Town.  These were in the 2^nd  Act – in the first act I loved: Hominy Grits!

9.      Watch Christine do the “Marching Dance” – I loved it – BANG ON!

Here is a clip from the Movie: 

Here is a clip of Ebersole:

On the other hand…Liev Shcreiber IS more than qualified to play this role.  This dude has some theatre chops – and those chops are thrilling to see in action.  The man is flawless – captivating even.  To quote Mr. Ben Brantley of the Times “A gut-grabbing revival that confirms Liev Schreiber’s status as the finest American theater actor of his generation.”  I felt as though the radio booth microphones were an extension of the actor – he was so organic – so fluid and real.   As great as Liev was – I simply cannot say the same for the rest of the actors on stage.  They were mediocre or even bad.  Not what I was expecting at all.  However – this is a talk radio show – so some of the callers – who were offstage, were awesome.  There were about 10 character actors offstage who voiced about 50 or 60 people over the course of the show.  Most of these characters were perfect.  

Back to the actors on stage (minus Liev).  They were so not up to the level that Liev and his callers were. I feel as though the director, Robert Falls – cast his old college friend as Barry Champlain’s friend Peter.  Peter was played by Dan Woodruff.  He was such an Actor.  I hate people like this.  They are so full of themselves and it totally comes through in their performance. He was one of those actors who touches things emphatically – and thinks that by doing this, their performance is better.  He would tossle his hair – hold his neck.  Reach for things in a manner that showed the audience he was reaching for something.  Boo! 

Another “Boo!” goes out to actress Stephanie March – who plays Linda.  She is one of those actresses that you can tell went to grad school.  She had that “studied actor” voice.  You know she loves devouring text – breaking it down and studying the hell out of it.  All of this text work is just fine…as long as the actor does not suck.  But she sucked.  It was sad – cuz Linda is such a cool role.  She plays the “love interest” to Liev – and when she cries in the break room it is priceless.  Priceless. 

Another thing that is priceless:  the soliloquies.  Why Eric Bogosian? Why?  These were not needed in any way, shape, or form.  It stopped the play in its tracks for no particular reason.  However – this could be the fault of the two actors I just mentioned…Stephanie and Dan.  But I don’t think it was.  I think I have to blame this on the playwright.   

All in all this was a very good play.  I am very good I got to see Liev really shine.  Theatre is his forte – he is good in movies – but theatre is definitely his thing.

I saw Tarzan on Broadway a few weeks ago.  It was fine.  Like most everything else I have seen on Broadway – I’m very glad I did not pay for it.  Going into this play I knew that it had to be ALL about the spectacle.    Yeah sure – Tarzan is one of the most beloved stories of all time…blah blah blah.  I wanted Equity Actors hanging from the ceiling for 8 shows a week – and I wanted it now!  I almost got what I wanted.  The show was a seamless spectacle…aside from the songs written specifically for the Broadway show – which were absolute trash.  I have to hand it to them.  The first three minutes of the show – are definitely worth at least half of your ticket price.  The shipwreck of Tarzan’s parents is amazing.  Kudos!!  The other half of the ticket pays for you to see one of the funniest things I have ever seen.  I was not supposed to be laughing.  I was supposed to be in awe, like everyone else in the theatre.  Instead I was peeing my pants.  It involves a man (equity actor hanging from the ceiling/faaaagggottt!) dressed in a beautiful butterfly costume flying over the audience. 

Now, I sincerely doubt that Tarzan is anyone’s favorite Disney film.  But, if you remember, it does have a lot of heart.  There are many sweet scenes between Tarzan and Jane.  Also between Tarzan and his Ape Mother – played by the fantastic Glenn Close.  Also the sexually ambiguous ape – voiced by our dear Rosie O’Donnell – was always a scene stealer.  This did not carry over into the stage version.  Jane, who is played by Jenn Gambatese – was even more of a “theatre robot” than Sutton (hunch-back)Foster. She truly made every scene with the (even gayer than Dan Travis) Tarzan – not sweet.  Every time – and I mean every time she sang – the entire audience tuned out the pointless lyrics she was singing and looked at the beauty that was happening around her – thanks to the gazillion dollar Disney budget.   Glenn Close is one of my favorite actors and brought so much heart/maternal love to the movie – Merle Dandridge…was sooo not what I wanted her to be.  She could not say Tar-a-Zan – like everyone else.  She had to grunt “ Tr-zun!”.  She probably thought that it made her seem ape-like.  She is such an ac-tor – I’ll bet she has an MFA…she is sooo learn-ed.  But the bitch was singing like a pop star.  She did not enounciate and she aspirated all the time.  I heard “h” all the time.  I really hate that.  “Oh you’ll be H-in my heart, yes you’ll be H-in my heart.  Actually – she never said hearT either – she said har…but you get the idea.  As far as Terk (Rosie) goes – they made it a guy?  Why?  Why couldn’t it be a big old lesbian Gorilla?  Huh?  As a matter of fact – this could be Rosie’s next career move – somebody get on the phone to her people.  Anyway, the Terk was played by Chester Gregory II.  He was a motherfucker.  The song “Trashin’ the Camp – which was totally fun in the movie – opened the second act and was completely awkward.  The recording that N’Sync did with Phil Collins himself was less awkward.  Chester Gregory II (the “II” automatically drops him down 10 pts.) was totally not any fun to have on stage – such a bad aspect of the show – I don’t want to talk about it.  It needs to be a lesbian. That is a big thing for me to say – because you all know how I feel about lesbians. 

Josh Strickland.  What can I say?  As an actor myself, I love it when American Idol has-beens fill up the Broadway stage.  I mean – they are all really really really good actors.  Right?  Those four weeks on American Idol qualifies them for a new career on the Broadway stage.  Actually – Josh was kinda cute.  He sang his songs well – and he obviously has had some acrobatic training.  However, I don’t think they gave him one line.  He grunted, he sang, he stood on his hands, he did back hand-springs, he smelled Jane’s butt, and he was cute.  If they gave him an actual line – the entire audience would find out how gay he is.  I think this is beautiful.  They wrote the book to a Broadway musical and did not give the title character any lines.  Seriously – he is gayer than me – that is pretty DAMN hard to do.  They wanted to keep his homoseshuality a secret…Disney didn’t want the AI fag-hags to find out that he is a fag himself – they would be heart broken.  I have actually heard from a couple of people that they did not let Josh Strickland talk in any of the interviews.  Isn’t that perfect.  I Love It!  Horrible – but perfect.  Sidenote:  His body was not ripped either…I was planning for it to be ripped.  But it was not.  Sad. 

If you see it – some things to keep in mind:

1.     The opening scene – the Shipwreck.  Awesome!

2.     The terrible song with Kala and Kerchack – “You Do, Don’tya Know”

3.     Young Tarzan’s TERRIBLE song by the pond.

4.     *Tarzan’s – hands over head – gorilla run.  It was really cute.*

5.     Tarzan smelling Jane’s ass – you can’t miss it.

6.     The gay butterfly descending from on high!!!!!

7.     The villain – he was so not a good villain.  Actually – he is probably Disney’s weakest villain.  But on stage, he was even weaker.  He did not have a song and he had a high voice?  What the hell?  He should have been a clone of Gaston!

8.     All of the animals/plants in Jane’s song about the animals and plants.

9.     It is cool when Jane is in the Spiderweb – BUT WHY?   Did she fall?  I does not make any sense….can anyone help?  

So, while Tarzan is not my favorite Disney movie – it is still sweet.  At the same time…while Tarzan is definitely not my favorite musical – it has a Disney Budget.One last thing if Equity Actors flying overhead in gorilla suits is a thrill for you/turns you on – you should definitely see Tarzan.

Here is a clip of the “heart” from the movie:  

Here is a clip from the show: